Here I am, up at 6 a.m. This will be the last post for a couple of days… I’ve got company coming for my birthday weekend and I plan on taking a much-needed break, playing in the woods and generally just getting my butt out of this computer chair. The blog should be back online as usual on Wednesday morning. :)
If you’re reading this post and haven’t read Part One, please do so now to keep things in context…
In the last post, I touched briefly on the “To Kill or Not to Kill” topic. Before I go any further, let me reiterate that I am firmly of the no-kill persuasion.
That said, let’s carefully examine what might happen to someone who IS successful in “bagging a bigfoot” (as those who would so often put it, while I sit here and cringe).
Great. So you “won the lottery”. Now what?
It’s a popular idea that a dead bigfoot would bring millions of dollars. And fame. Well, gee… what’s the downside?
Consider this scenario (which is entirely fictional, of course, but is certainly realistic):
Josh is an avid hunter. He lives in Louisiana – land of the booger monsters. He’s bound and determined to bag himself a bigfoot, become stinking rich and go down in infamy as the guy who “proved” it once and for all. Hell, maybe they’ll even name it after him with one of those big, long scientific-sounding names, like Joshipitchecus Americanus.
Josh and his buddy Carl head into the swamp for the day. They’re good trackers and have been following this booger for weeks. They’re armed to the teeth, aren’t afraid of shit, and that sucker ain’t gettin’ away this time.
They hike two miles to the spot and climb into the deer stands just before dawn, high in the trees. They got here without speaking a word. They’re scent-blocked, covered in camo and don’t make a sound. Hand signals is all they need. They’re good at what they do.
After an hour or so, Josh hears something moving through the swamp, coming at a good clip on Carl’s right. He signals Carl that he’ll have a shot. In the gray morning light, he makes out a huge, hairy form moving through the cypress knees, almost gliding, making little sound as it moves through ankle-deep water. He waits. He knows he only gets one shot. He holds his breath as he pulls the trigger.
The shot hits its mark. Blood sprays from the creature’s chest; it’s a kill shot, just like he knew it would be. Some of those assholes on the forum said the gun wouldn’t be big enough, but he knew better. He lets out an exhilerated whoop as the giant body falls backward into the water with a huge splash.
“You got him! You got the sonofabitch!” Carl yells.
The morning is preternaturally still as they climb down from the tree stands, adrenaline pumping. They slowly approach the huge, hairy body lying motionless at the edge of the bayou, guns trained on it. Josh approaches cautiously and kicks one enormous foot. It’s heavy. Dead weight. Blood fills the dark, tea-colored water around the body. Its dark eyes are closed, the lips slack.
They just won the lottery.
Carl’s voice breaks the silence. “Um… now what, dude?”
The thing is massive. Maybe 800 lbs.
“Now we drag his ass out of here and call the press.”
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for a little game called “choose your own adventure”.
Do Josh and Carl successfully drag the body out of the swamp? Or do they end up on a missing persons list because they didn’t see the other two creatures watching from the trees back there in the bayou, who charge in screaming with bared teeth – another 1600 pounds of righteous fury – as the men try to put together the travois?
Let’s say they manage to drag 800 pounds two miles back to the truck and somehow load the body in with Josh’s winch. They get the body home, buy a freezer (this is feeling more and more like the Georgia hoax fiasco all the time…), and stuff the body in. Again, the question is raised. Now what?
They’re in a hurry to make some money. Josh and Carl call the press. They tell CNN that they have a bigfoot body on ice – a REAL one, not like them idiots from Georgia – and that CNN can have an exclusive on it for a million bucks. Then they call FOX News. They up the ante to two million and play the two networks against each other until they get to $3.5 million. That calls for a high-five.
The film crew shows up. Our boys, proud as peacocks, tell about how they tracked this thing and took it down successfully. CNN airs a full-hour special, the guys get paid, split the money and everything’s great.
Suddenly, Josh and Carl are rich. And famous. Every media outlet in the country wants to interview them. They become household names, flying all over the country for interviews. Good Morning America. Letterman. The Discovery Channel has contacted them about doing a special; they want to bring in scientists to examine the corpse. The local university wants a look. Every individual bigfoot researcher in the free world is calling their home phone numbers, which were posted on a public forum fifteen minutes after the first CNN special aired.They’re overwhelmed within days and decide to hire someone to deal with all of the media contacts.
That gets expensive, but heck… they’re millionaires, and are being offered exorbitant amounts of money for appearance fees. One guy even offered to buy the thing for $10 million. Life is good.
Until the Feds get involved. Louisiana Department of Wildlife and Fisheries. The Department of Natural Resources. PETA. Maybe even the ACLU. The hammer of justice falls swiftly, and everyone has an opinion.
The men are arrested. Charges are brought against Josh and Carl for hunting an animal out of season without a license. Pending scientific study, murder or manslaughter charges may be brought as well. The body is confiscated by the government as evidence, and Josh and Carl find themselves posting bail and hiring lawyers. Self-defense is out of the question since they’ve already crowed to the world how they were out to kill the thing and made no bones about how their skills and stealth got the job done. The lawyers tell them not to talk about the case. So much for appearance fees.
Suddenly, there isn’t enough money in the world to get them out of this mess.
By the time all is said and done, Josh and Carl will wish they had never, ever heard of bigfoot.
* * * * * * * *
More coming soon. I’ll be back on Wednesday. In the meantime, feel free to email me your thoughts. Thanks to each of you for your well-thought feedback so far! I’ll be sharing some of your comments in upcoming posts, so keep ‘em coming!
