BETTER LATE THAN NEVER...
>> A Fictional Halloween Story by Autumn Williams

The waning moon was a sharp splinter, pricking pinholes of light in the night sky. A full moon would be too cliche on this, the darkest of nights, but I would have been glad for the light. I fumbled with my car keys, trying to draw them out of my purse with as much precision as a barely opposable thumb and rubbery forefinger could muster. The keys in fell the mud. Crap. At this rate I'll be more than fashionably late, I thought.

Trying to keep the mask from slipping while I bent over in the dark was an equally futile affair. The eyeholes kept moving around and it was getting unbelievably hot and humid inside. Unfortunately, it was attached to the rest of the costume so I didn't have much choice. Sure, I could take it off, drive to the party and then put it on before I went up near the house, but what if one of the guests saw me as they arrived? My months of planning would be ruined. So I sweated it out. After all, it was only a five-mile drive. That is, once I got the key in out of the mud, unlocked the door, managed to paw it into the ignition, and somehow drove a manual transmission five miles in the rain on a winding road in a Sasquatch suit. >> more...

Finally, key in hand, I open the door and went to slide into the driver's seat. Wrong. My conical head was too tall and it caught on the doorframe, sliding the entire mask counterclockwise. Now I couldn't see at all. Leaning out, I felt for the ignition switch, put the car in neutral, opened the sunroof, leaned forward, slid in and managed to get my saggital crest to poke out the top of the car. Much better.

Okay. Just five miles...

The first order of business being to back the car up, I turned to look over my shoulder. The eyeholes stayed put and I ended up looking at the inside of the mask. Nevermind. Adjust the mirrors, cross your fingers (oh, that's right, you can't, they're RUBBER) and hope the trashcan isn't in the way.

Once on the road, things began to get a little easier... as long as I didn't turn my head. I went over my plan, just to make sure I hadn't left anything out:

Every year, Linda has a small Halloween get-together for ten or so friends in our community. And every year she eventually brings out these tapes of Bigfoot screams she says she's recorded from her porch and pictures of holes in the ground which she claims were Bigfoot tracks in the woods behind her house. I don't know... personally, I live only five miles away and I've never had anything happen, but I get really tired of people at the party grinning at each other and making disparaging remarks about her "interests". I can't help but wonder why she invites these same morons each Halloween, but it's a small community and I guess the pickings are slim. Besides, Linda's a patient woman and she takes their remarks good-naturedly. But I don't. And that's why, tonight, I'm going to scare the pants off of all of them.

Linda's driveway was now just a few yards ahead. I parked the car in a small turnout on the road. I left my purse on the seat; Sasquatch wouldn't carry a purse. I also had a bag with my witch costume in it. I wasn't planning to reveal my trick to the partiers. After running around in the woods for a while making whistling noises, stomping through the brush and letting them catch a glimpse of me, I'd head back to the car and change. Tomorrow I'd come by and show Linda the suit, proving that it was I. It would be up to her whether she would reveal that to the others. One last check in the rearview mirror confirmed that the costume was convincing. The skin around my eyes was blacked out and the whites of my eyes glowed nicely, even in the dimmest of light.

I skulked down the driveway, careful to stay off to the side. My whole plan would be ruined if I were caught now. I heard a car coming up the drive behind me and ducked behind a tree, staying perfectly still. I guess my fur blended nicely with the tree bark; the guests didn't notice me.

I stayed to the woods, darting from tree to tree. Luckily, I'd made the feet the right size so I was pretty agile. They wouldn't see me long enough to notice that Bigfoot's feet weren't quite as large as legend states.

When I got near the house, I hunkered down behind some brush and with a clear view of the side porch. Several guests were standing around, some smoking, with drinks in hand. Linda was nowhere to be seen. Her husband, Roy, also known as The Great Skeptic, was talking to Jim and Kelly Warner, the owners of the local general store. Roy was wearing a devil costume, and Jim and Kelly had come as vampires. Marty Simmons, Linda and Jim's closest neighbor and the biggest jerk of the bunch when it came to Linda's Bigfoot stories, was pounding a beer. He was dressed as a logger. Real original, Marty.

Even though Linda wasn't outside, there was no time like the present to start my prank. "Whooooooooooooo," I called. Everyone just kept talking and laughing. Jim and Roy were guffawing over something Marty said. 'Looks like the alcohol started flowing early tonight,' I thought. I tried again, this time a little louder. "Whooooop, Whoooooop, Whoooop!" Kelly looked out over the woods, her head cocked to one side, and put a hand on Jim's arm. Ah-ha! Kelly heard me. She always looked nervous when Linda brought up the Sasquatch thing. She'd sound the alarm. I tried it again. "Whoooooooo-hooooooooah!" This time it was more like a monkey scream. Kelly shook Jim's arm and whispered in his ear. I couldn't hear her, but I figured she said something like, "Jim, listen!"

I waited several seconds. Just as Jim was saying, "I don't hear anything..." I let go with a loud, "Whooooooop!" Jim and Kelly turned in my direction. Marty and Jim continued their conversation until the couple turned to them and spat, "SHHH!"

Without the talking and laughing to drown out the inconsistencies in my vocalizations, I decided to try stomping around instead. Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch... I trod through the underbrush, just out of the circle of light from the porch lamp. Keeee-rack! I picked up a large branch and broke it with my knee. I could see Kelly's eyes go round and I snickered quietly to myself. Kelly ran into the house.

Now, with just the men as my audience, I figured I'd have to be a little more careful. I let out a low growl, and stepped quietly through the brush, breaking twigs and rustling leaves. Then I knelt down and all was silent again.

A few moments later, Jim and Roy started talking again, though in quieter tones. Marty stepped out to the porch railing, listening. I sat perfectly still. Moments later, Kelly appeared with Linda at her side. She shushed the men, and joined Marty at the railing. "Did you hear it?" she asked.

"I heard a deer moving through the brush, that's all," he said. "I oughta go get my rifle and blow the sucker away. Haven't had much luck hunting this year so far... maybe tonight's my lucky night."

Even though I knew Marty wouldn't shoot a deer illegally, his words still made my blood run cold. I hadn't even considered the possibility that I might scare someone enough for them to shoot at me. Maybe my little prank should end here. Roy was even more trigger-happy than Marty was; I'd seen the collection in his gun case upstairs and he might not take kindly to an intruder on his property... be it animal or otherwise.

Keee-rack! Just as I was preparing to stand up and make my way quietly back to the car for my other costume, a HUGE branch snapped behind me. I froze, as did the bystanders on the porch. Suddenly, an odor wafted to my nostrils reminiscent of the putrid stench last summer when we had the septic tank pumped. I gagged, coughing quietly, and turned. Just as I stood up, the light hit us.

He was perhaps fifteen feet away, and had just stepped out from between two large trees. His body was enormous, at least eight feet tall, with dark brown hair that glinted amber in the light of Roy's flashlight. With long arms hanging at his sides he stared at me - not with the dumb, quizzical look of an animal but with curious expression. He seemed to be asking, "Why do you look like me?" His eyes... oh, God, his eyes were round and black and huge, spaced and shaped just like a human's eyes but without whites and they were glowing, God help me, they were glowing with convex lenses over them like a cat's but I could still see the expression and he was STARING at me and he took a step closer...

And I ran. I ran like hell, down the driveway, out to the road, stumbling and tripping, my heart in my throat. I made it to the car and dove in, fumbling again with the keys and, with tires spinning, peeled out of there like the very Devil himself was on my tail.

The next day, I got a phone call from Linda.

"Hey, I'm sorry you missed the party last night. It was a really hum-dinger."

"Yeah, I'm sorry, too. I, um, wasn't feeling well."

"Well, you missed The Big Event. There were two of the Big Guys out in the yard last night. Roy got out his flashlight and shined it on them. Everyone got to see them, though not real well. Funny thing, though... the little one acted as though the big one scared it. Maybe he snuck up on it... like, a Halloween prank or something."

Copyright 2001 Autumn Williams
Originally published in the Oregonbigfoot.com newsletter
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